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5 Tips to Get Your Teenagers Talking

January 27, 2012 5 Comments

GUEST POST by Jonathan McKee. Jonathan has become a regular guest blogger on this site! He is the author of numerous books including the brand new Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent, as well as youth ministry books like Connect: Real Relationships in a World of Isolation. You can find his excellent blog here.

Is it just me, or do you sometimes struggle getting teenagers to open up and just talk?

I have this issue with my own teenagers. Conversations can drift toward the mundane.

“How was school?”

“Fine.”

“Soccer practice?”

“Same as always.”

“Anything interesting happen today?”

“Nope.”

“Nice talking with you!”

Youth workers probably have the same frustrations talking with teenagers that they first meet.

“What’s your name?”

“Chris.”

“What school do you go to?”

“Centerville High.”

“Play any sports?”

“Nope.”

(awkward pause)

“Have you ever accidently killed a squirrel?”

“Huh?”

“Never mind.”

Let’s face it. Teenagers have a PhD in one-word answers… if we don’t ask the right questions.

Here’s 5 tips I found that helped me get teenagers talking:

1. Don’t ask yes or no questions. If you do, then you know you’re gonna get a one word answer.

If you ask a teenager, “Was school fun today?” Chances are, you’re gonna hear the word “No.” Conversation over.

2. Don’t ask dull questions. Sure, if you’re just meeting a teenager you might need to ask their name and school, but don’t go the expected route and ask the typical, “Do you like it there?” (a yes or no question) Ask something that is a little unexpected.

“If you had to choose just one class, or one teacher, and you could ditch the rest, which would you choose?”

A question like this gives you insight into what subjects they like, what kind of adults they respect, plus it provides them with a fun element—picturing a world where they choose classes and ditch others!

But unexpected questions don’t always come easy… that’s why you always need to…

3. Think ahead. If you struggle getting teenagers talking, don’t try to think of something on the fly. Plan ahead.

Parents, don’t wait until you’re sitting at the dinner table to try to think of something to say. Youth workers, don’t walk up to a teenager and say the first thing on your mind. Think ahead. Use some resources if you have to. Which brings me to my next tip…

4. Don’t be afraid to use tools. One of the best relational tools is a well-placed question. As a parent who often finds himself trying to “break through the ice” with my own teenagers at the dinner table, I use an oldie but goodie:

“Everyone share your high and your low of the day. Youngest to oldest.”

We use this probably once a week. Sometimes we even modify it to just that, “the high and low of the week.”

In my parenting book I provide a bunch of these kinds of ice-breaker questions. Questions like:

“If you could go to any restaurant tonight and order any meal, where would you go and what would you order?”

“If you could go on vacation anywhere for a week, all expenses paid and bring whoever you want, who would you bring?”

You can learn a lot about your kids with questions like that. Their tastes, their friends… whether they’d bring you!

Youth ministry is the same way. Some of us struggle trying to “break the ice” when we are hanging out with a group of kids or leading a small group. Don’t hesitate to use resources like Doug’s Would You Rather books, or any his other ice-breakers. They can provide some really fun ways to get teenagers talking. Or consult books like my book, Connect, where I spend several chapters discussing how to get teenagers talking when you first meet them.

5. Use your eyes and ears before your mouth. I truly saved my best tip for last. Simply put: notice. Use your eyes to notice what shirt a teenager is wearing—it will tell you a lot. If they’re wearing a vintage Star Wars t-shirt, you can probably get them talking about nerdy topics for hours. If they’re wearing a Ben Roethlisberger jersey… they really need Jesus!

In the same way, if you hear a teenager talking about Facebook, cheer, or her new iPhone, chances are you won’t have to say much to get her talking about it. Notice what teenagers are excited about, ask them about it, and then you won’t have to do much talking at all. You might even wish you never got them started!

Remember, our teenagers really want to be heard. Sadly, they often are ignored by adults. So sometimes they just need to test the waters and see that we’re actually willing to listen.

There’s nothing magical about the tips above. They might take a little bit of warming up and some tweaks here and there. Just make an effort, demonstrating that you care and actually want to listen… the rest will fall into place.

What about you?

Question:What helps you get teenagers talking? Share your thoughts here.

[Are you getting Doug's daily blog in your email inbox?] If not, it’s real easy–go here.

5 ways to build support into your marriage

January 26, 2012 4 Comments

Does your marriage have built-in support systems that will help it flourish?

Every couple needs support!

Marriages who have taken steps to identify intentional support systems have a greater chance of marriage success!

Here are five support systems that may help keep your marriage strong:

1. Marriage mentors: Couples who are deeper into marriage and in different life-stages can offer unique perspective, advice and hope. To tap into their “been there—done that” experience adds a huge benefit. If granted permission, they can also speak to the “blind-spots” they perceive and guide you to safer places in your marriage.

2. Marriage “peers”: Don’t overlook the power found within other couples who share a similar life stage as you. They can provide neutral perspective from a peer point of view. Great conversations can be started with something as simple as, “Are you guys experiencing this [fill-in-the-blank] in your marriage?

3. Mentor younger couples: By building relationships with newlyweds or younger couples you will be forced to think thru some life-issues and unique perspectives that will cause you to reflect on and deepen your own marriage.

4. Learn together: Growth requires learning and thankfully there are many ways that couples can continue the growth process. Local seminars, DVD’s, books, etc… Cathy and I recently revisited The Five Love Languages and even though we read it years ago, we loved the new discussion it generated.

5. Counseling check-up: Counseling doesn’t equate to “being in trouble.” I know many couples who have occasional marital check-ups by checking in with their counselor once a year. Couples can gain tremendous benefit from professional marriage counseling.

Like all helpful actions, they need to be pursued and initiated. Don’t wait for them to come to you. Make them happen.

Question: What support system do you currently have in your marriage to keep “health” within reach? Share your comments here.

Weird Wednesday: Restaurant Herpes

January 25, 2012 7 Comments

Yesterday Jim Burns and I took our friend Shawn to lunch to talk about the details of our Marriage Conference next month and we ate at one of our favorite places near the HomeWord offices. As we left the restaurant we noticed that we entered a restaurant warning us of Equine Herpes.

Why share that with you?

As I reviewed my blog of 2011, I realized that very few of my 270 posts were fun and/or humorous. I love humor, funny situations, oddities, etc… I need more for this blog. So, if you run across something that fits a weird/humorous category and send it to me… and it makes it on the site, I’ll give you a free shopping spree at DownloadYouthMinistry. Bring it on.

Question: do you have a constant source of humor in your life? If so, where?

[Are you getting this daily blog in your email inbox?] If not, it’s real easy–go here.

20 “little things” that could change your marriage

January 22, 2012 21 Comments

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and writing about marriage lately (partly because it’s a growing passion and partly to prepare for our Refreshing Your Marriage Seminar Feb. 17-18).

Through some informal, conversational research, the couples I’ve talked to seem to be looking for that one “big-idea”… the one “silver bullet”… the big “game-changer” for marriage… the next idea that will become the next “must read” marriage book.

I’ve been thinking… could it be that the pursuit of the one big marriage-saving/improving idea, that we’re overlooking the many small actions that will make a difference?

Last week I had lunch with a buddy who wanted to talk about a previous post I had on marriage. This discussion led me to challenging him to come up with a list of the little things he could do that would make a difference/impact on his wife. I called him today to follow up for his list (I told him it would be in my blog). He said, “Doug, you made me mad last week because I was too dumb to notice the simple things I wasn’t doing. After I left you I made a list of 20 doable things that I would pursue this week.”

Here’s his list:
1. Clean up my dishes
2. Not leave clothes on the side of my bed
3. Put the toothpaste in the drawer (I usually leave it out)
4. To hug/kiss her right when I come in the house
5. Fill-up the gas in her car
6. Not watch TV in bed when she’s trying to sleep
7. Write her a short note and put in her briefcase
8. Don’t read the mail and leave the envelopes out
9. Put stuff back in the refrigerator
10. Walk the dog at night so she doesn’t have to
11. Be more affectionate
12. Listen to music instead of sports’ radio while we’re getting ready
13. Turn the lights off when I leave a room
14. Offer to help the kids with their homework
15. Comment and affirm her more often
16. Ask her if I could do the shopping this week
17. Don’t bring my phone to the dinner table
18. Care more deeply about her day
19. Make the bed
20. Bring home flowers/dessert/gift one night a week

My friend confessed that he wasn’t able to do all these during the week, but he’s definitely more conscious of what could be done… and could be easily done.

He’s not ready to admit that the “little things” will change his marriage, but he did admit that thinking about them has changed him.

Maybe that’s all it will take—a changed “him.”

Some marriages need surgery… some may need simple Band-Aid ideas. Some will need both.

I think my buddy just needs a few, consistent Band-Aid actions. He agrees, but he’s still mad at me.

Question: What are the little things that you would add to this list? Let’s get to 100! Share them here.

[Are you getting this daily blog in your email inbox?] If not, it’s real easy–go here.

Yep…this is an AWESOME video!

January 21, 2012 12 Comments

A buddy sent me this video with the title: “People are awesome!” While I wouldn’t disagree, I watched this video and thought, “Wow! God is awesome!”

These scenes made me pause to thank God for being majestic, beautiful and creative as Creator.

People’s stunts were pretty spectacular too!

Check out the video:

[If you're unable to see this in RSS, go here.]

I love the boys at The Youth Cartel do with their weekly YouTube clip & discussion starter each week and I thought we could collectively do the same thing.

So, question: How would you use this clip in a ministry setting? Share them here.

[Are you getting this daily blog in your email inbox?] If not, it’s real easy–go here.

Are you a funny speaker or a speaker who uses humor?

January 20, 2012 3 Comments

GUEST POST by Jonathan McKee. Jonathan has become a regular guest blogger on this site! He is the author of numerous books including the brand new Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent, as well as youth ministry books like Connect: Real Relationships in a World of Isolation. You can find his excellent blog here.

Last week HomeWord posted a devotional from Doug about his failed attempt at standup comedy. I empathized with him so much… been there, done that. That’s why I always choose content with a side of comedy.

My worst moment was when I followed comedian Tim Hawkins at a speaking event. If you haven’t heard Tim, he’s hilarious. He’s a standup comedian who always has the audience rolling on the floor.

The event was a citywide event for parents. Tim’s job was to be the entertainment and make everyone laugh. My job was to inspire the audience to be a light in their homes and their communities. It was at this event that I learned a huge lesson: setup is everything. (more on that in a minute)

I don’t consider myself a comedian. I’m a speaker who has a message to communicate and uses comedy as a tool. I get the opportunity to speak or do workshops in a lot of churches across the U.S. each year. Every time I use comedy on a Sunday morning, it’s welcomed. Comedy opens the doors for people to listen to content.

Standup comedy? That’s a whole different ball game.

My first attempt with standup comedy was in college. Our local student diner had an open mic night where they offered free food for anyone who would give it an attempt. They had me at “free food.”

I tried a short routine and landed about 80 to 90 percent of the jokes with laughter, then proceeded to try some improv, moving through the audience, asking people’s names and trying to be funny on the fly. After landing a few attempts, I quickly bailed out with a, “I’m Jonathan McKee, thanks so much for coming!”

Whew!

3 minutes. That’s all it was. No matter. I got free pizza and ice cream.

Fast forward 20-years and I’m still using comedy, but only as a side dish. And that’s where I made the mistake following comic-genius Tim Hawkins. I tried to throw in a few of my proven hilarious stories, and only received chuckles. People weren’t up for a side dish of comedy when they had just been fed a main course.

The evening was painful! I might as well have sung a solo following Celine Dion.

Lesson learned.

Expectations are everything. In the same way, I’m careful with the way people introduce me. I’ve had plenty of people tell me, “You’re the funniest speaker I’ve ever heard.” I appreciate the flattery, but please don’t introduce me as “the funniest speaker you’ll ever hear.” I’ve had people do that, and those venues are always twice as hard because the audience is sitting their with their arms crossed waiting for me to make them laugh. “Let’s see how funny you are, California boy!”

That’s why, whenever I go to speak to teenagers somewhere, I don’t give them a big paragraph to read, I just tell them to say, “Here’s a guy named Jonathan from California that I think you’re going to enjoy.” Expectations are light. I use comedy to open the door for Biblical truth.

Works every time.
As it is, I have people constantly tell me I should do standup. But to be honest, if there’s a choice between comedy or content, I’ll always settle for the expectation of content.

Question: When you teach/speak, what expectation do you feel your audience has of you? Thoughts?

[Are you getting Doug's daily blog in your email inbox?] If not, it’s real easy–go here.