time

I blinked… my “baby” is grown up–3 intentional parenting steps

January 3, 2013 by doug 6 Comments

Today my “baby” turns 18.

Yikes!

I knew it would happen… I watched age 18 arrive with my older two kids, but this one “feels” different. Possibly because she’s the youngest. Maybe because I turned 50 a few days ago and that’s messing with me. Or, maybe it’s because Cathy and I are only 8 months away from being “empty-nesters” and our baby will be going away to college.

Regardless, Cassie’s birthday has got me thinking about how much I have loved being a dad.

Last night I was at Dennys with two of my dear friends who are 10-12 years younger than me and are dads with small children. They are really good dads and very intentional about their choices with ministry and home-life (both are youth pastors). We talked a little about parenting and I gave them 3 tips (unsolicited of course).

1. Don’t blink… it goes by very fast. Regardless of what you think, your kids grow up very quickly.

therefore,

2. Capture memories! Photograph, video, and write letters… the more the better. With each birthday and holiday, use it as an opportunity to write your kids a letter. Pour on the love… even if they can’t read it or understand it. These letters will become eventual treasures. Many of the younger years are forgotten–photos, videos and letters help retain and capture the best of memories.

3. Put your family before your job (even if you’re in ministry… actually, especially if you’re in ministry). Not before Jesus, but definitely before your job. Here’s a little harsh reality: anyone can do your job! Actually, one of the guys I was with last night has the job I held for 18 years and he’s doing a better job than I ever did. And, there’s someone out there who will eventually replace him too. But, no one can replace him as a parent. No one can love his kids like he’s designed to love them.

Time… Memories… Priorities.

I would challenge any parent to become a master of those 3 biggies and, if you do, chances are good that your children will someday thank you. A few days ago on my 50th birthday I received incredible letters from my kids (ages 24, 21 & 18) as well as a time where they breathed life into me with a verbal affirmation at my birthday dinner. It was rich! As a dad, I know I didn’t do everything right… actually, I made a lot of mistakes… but, I fought for those 3 biggies (time, memories & priorities) and now I feel like Cathy and I are in a season where we’re reaping the benefits of being intentional parents.

Those 6,570 days flew by… and now my 18 year old “baby” is an amazing young woman. I’m so grateful.

Happy birthday Cassie… you’re the best!

Question: what are you doing to be an intentional parent? Share your ideas here.

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Filed Under: Family, Parenting, Personal Tagged With: dad, intentional parenting, kids, Memories, ministry, parenting, parents, priorities, time, value

4 steps I’d take for Intentional Parenting

August 15, 2011 by doug 10 Comments

I’ve been following Adam McLane’s blog ever since I’ve been blogging (7 months and 15 days if you’re counting). Adam has great insight in youth ministry, church, family, etc… I’m very impressed with his writing. Anyway…

Over the weekend Adam wrote a post titled, “Daddy, if you love me…” and passed on a great learning that was delivered from his son:

[Adam speaking] “Paul, don’t you want to go to the game? It’s sold out. The Aztecs are awesome this year. And I love sharing this with you.” He got up the courage to tell me the truth. “I really like hanging out with you dad. But we always do things that you love, like sports, and it doesn’t count as a dad date unless it’s something I want to do.” [See his entire post]

Last Friday I wrote a post about how much I like being a dad and yet how fast time goes by when you’re parenting. After reading Adam’s post I thought, “If my kids were still little, this is how I’d try to be more intentional.

Daily: Affection & Attention.

Weekly: One on One time.

Monthly: Special, surprise memory-maker.

Yearly: A fully documented (photos/videos) family vacation.

I clearly wasn’t this intentional, but I also don’t live with much parenting regret. Obviously, I could have done things more intentionally (like above), but I did spend a lot of very intentional time with my kids even though my ministry always required more.

For example, I made it a goal to coach every sport my kids played—until they got into high school (I accomplished that goal except for volleyball). Coaching was filled with great times of driving to practice, getting a Slurpee afterwards, and just a massive amount of time hanging/playing together.

As much as I’ve always wanted to be a great dad, there are some things I wish I would have done different. That’s why I write this, as much as possible, don’t allow that to happen to you.

The great news is that even though my kids are older (22,19,16), I can still create new memories, forge deeper relationships, and be the dad that I was created and called to be.

You too!

Intentional parenting…Parenting without regrets…Focus on your darn family…I don’t care what you call it, just make it happen.

Start today.

Your kids will thank you!

Question: what intentional parenting steps do you try to take on a regular basis? Let’s learn from one another–chime in.

Filed Under: Family, Marriage, Parenting, posts, Relationships Tagged With: Adam McLane, affection, intentional parenting, Memories, parenting, regret, time

3 Thoughts from a Ministry Dad

August 12, 2011 by doug 14 Comments

Several times over the last seven months I’ve made either Twitter, Facebook or Blog comments about my 19 year old son’s step-away-from-football-and-college to serve orphans and street children in Kitale, Kenya (post one & two).

He came home yesterday! Praise Jesus.

The photo (below) is from our first of many meals where we’re downloading his experience.

My oldest daughter returns home Monday night after being in Africa for 3 months (post college graduation). With two of my three kids gone this summer (and my youngest wishing she was in Africa) I’ve taken some time to do some reflecting on our parenting style as well as raising our kids in a ministry environment.

I’m working on a list of some of the steps that I’m glad Cathy and I made while our kids were growing up in ministry. One of these days I’ll share the list, but here’s what I was thinking about while I was waiting at the airport for Cody to arrive.

1. TIME goes by very fast
When our kids were little, this didn’t seem like a true statement. We were always tired, got little sleep, and felt like we were a high maintenance family. But, now of the verge of being an empty-nester (our youngest is a junior), I’m stunned at how fast time appears to go.

2. Ministry always requires more TIME
When you think about how quickly time goes, this 2nd statement can definitely trigger some family-tension. Since ministry never stops (because people always have needs) we’re constantly making decisions about who is going to win the time battle… the ministry or our family. With Cathy’s tenderness and help, we always tried to make sure that our family won. I realize this can be difficult if “healthy family” is not a high priority within your church setting.

3. Make sure your kids know they don’t have to work for your TIME
When my children were younger, I was haunted by something a youth pastor’s child said, “I’m excited to be in youth ministry because I’ll get to see my dad more.” When I heard that, it broke my heart and I made a commitment that my kids would never say that. At church, I made it very clear that my kids had total access to their dad. They knew that if others were waiting to talk to dad…they didn’t have to wait. Not everyone agrees with our approach, but that’s what we taught our kids.

If you’re a parent, who is serving in ministry, there is great hope for your kids! Cathy and I are convinced that growing up around incredible, fun and godly adults was an incredible blessing for our kids. I realize you’re always being forced to make ministry and time-related decisions, and my prayer is that you’ll make more right decisions than wrong decisions (you’ll make some of those too)… actually, I pray you’ll make a lot more right decisions.

The issue of TIME is definitely a battle, but it’s one worth fighting.

Here’s another post I wrote about family & ministry.

Also, at this year’s National Youth Ministry Convention (Youth Specialities), Cathy and I will be teaching an extended seminar on Ministry & Marriage and my daughter and I will be teaching one about Raising Kids in Ministry. I hope you’ll join us!

Question: What are the concerns you have about raising kids in ministry? Share them HERE.