spouse

10 actions that children learn from their parents’ marriage

December 5, 2012 by doug 6 Comments

[In a week where we're focusing on Marriage and promoting our "Refreshing Your Marriage" Conference, I thought I'd re-post my most popular post (which has blown-up thanks to Pinterest). Another marriage post that has recently gotten a lot of traction is, "Size Matters...25 ways to go small in marriage"]

When I speak on marriage, I’m always asked if I intentionally taught my kids about marriage.

The answer is yes… and, no.

Yes, there are times when we’ve talked specifically about marriage (either ours or ones that our kids have observed). But, for the most part, Cathy and I have been wise enough to know that our kids are constantly watching and learning from us without us having to do a lot of talking. Our actions (both good and bad) are always teaching them about marriage.

I would be thrilled if my kids had a similar type of marriage that Cathy and I share… it’s definitely not perfect, but we’re both very proud of what we’ve developed over 27+ years.

Here are 10 actions that I know my kids have observed from us over the year:

1. Affection: Cathy & I are very affectionate and I like having my kids see me holding their mom’s hand, hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc… as often as I can.

2. Saying “I’m sorry”: I want to be quick to use this phrase and I want my kids to hear me say it (and I have to say it a lot more than Cathy).

3. Affirmation: this is my primary love language so it’s easy for me to dish out encouraging words. My kids get a lot of verbal affirmation, but they also hear me directing it toward my wife (which is really easy).

4. Attraction: I think Cathy is hot… and, I make it known around our family. I’ll regularly say, “Isn’t your mom beautiful?”

5. Time: our kids know that we like to spend time together. When they see us steal time away to sit in the backyard and talk, or go in the hot tub, or go on a date night, or sneak away for the weekend…that’s a good message I want them to see.

6. Laughter: we laugh a lot in our house and my wife’s cute sense of humor cracks me up. I like having my kids see that my wife makes me laugh.

7. Respect: opening the door for Cathy, saying “thank you” and “please” and showing her simple signs of respect.

8. Faith conversations: we’re not always praying in front of our kids, but they hear and see our faith conversations and know that we’re always talking about Jesus and what it means to be a follower.

9. The value of friends: our house is well worn from the traffic of friends in/out of our house. We love having people over and the Fields’ house is a regular hangout for some incredible friends.

10. Servanthood: I know my kids have had a better example in Cathy than with me because she’s the ultimate servant. Always asking, “How can I help? What do you need to make life better?” Serving one another is seen in the daily, little things and there’s many opportunities to serve.

Kids are always watching their parent’s marriage and yet too many marriages underestimate the power of modeling! Children are taking daily recordings of what a marriage looks like and those recordings are definitely influencing and shaping their view of marriage.
Question: Do you have intentional actions that you’re modeling to your kids? Do you have some actions that are different from the ones I’ve listed? If so, share them here.

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Filed Under: Marriage, posts Tagged With: affection, affirmation, apology, conversations, couples, faith, laughter, marriage, modeling, parenting, spouse

10 reasons not to date your spouse (not necessarily good reasons)

June 21, 2012 by doug 10 Comments

Yesterday, I posted a little poll about summer and marriage and the results were what I expected: most people have better marriages in the summer.

Last night Cathy and I were doing some pre-marital counseling with this wonderful couple, who used to be in our youth group, and we were talking about the fact that good marriages aren’t accidental–they require hard work.
This last year I’ve spoken at more marriage events/retreats than I have in the last 10 years and it’s easy to see that many people struggle and get discouraged when they try to explain their own lack of effort toward dating and romance of their spouse.

I’ve heard all types of excuses–here’s 10 common ones:

What are we going to do with the children?

I don’t have enough time.

Dating costs too much money.

There’s plenty to do at home.

I’m too tired.

I’m too busy

There’s nothing to do where we live.

We can’t ever get good baby-sitters.

It’s too cold/hot/muggy outside.

I’ve got too much to do around the house.

Those are all true. We’re experts at creating excuses to avoid taking actions that require effort. I could think of ten reasons for not getting out of bed this morning, and another twenty for not wanting to work. Excuses can abound, but eventually the pressures of reality force me into action. The urgency of life tells me I’d better get out of bed and get working or I’ll end up with no where to work! I’m forced to do what I should, regardless of my excuses. That’s reality.

But, in marriage, the consequences of my excuses aren’t nearly as tangible or immediate. If I don’t take Cathy out on a date-night, so what? Life will go on. I’ll still be employed. I‘m not forced to make any special effort toward our relationship because there appears to be no urgency.

Marriages that live with no sense of urgency in their passion and commitment to continuing to date one another or improve their relationship…will eventually dry-up. Need proof? Look at the divorce rate.

Why not jump start your marriage this summer…do what it takes to bring a little romance and dating back into your marriage. Take advantage of the extra light at the end of the day, the weather, the freedom, the cheap/free activities that are available during the summer.
In the face of all the excuses… why not make something happen? Don’t wait for your spouse to initiate… you start.

Question: what’s your “default” excuse for not dating/pursuing/romancing your spouse. Share it here.

[Are you getting Doug's daily blog in your email inbox?] If not, it’s real easy–go here.

Filed Under: "Marriage & Family Matters", Marriage, posts Tagged With: dating, divorce, love, marriage, passion, romance, spouse

MINISTRY & MARRIAGE pt.3: Is there a “2-for-the-price-of-1″ expectation?

March 25, 2011 by doug 2 Comments

Cathy and I have navigated 26 years of ministry and marriage and learned a lot along the way. Today I want to share a third idea that I’ve been thinking about that may be helpful. Idea #1 was to give your spouse veto power over the church events that you oversee/control. Idea #2 had to do with being your spouse’s biggest cheerleader. Today’s idea has to do with battling the expectations that your spouse is part of a two-for-the-price-of-one hire.
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Many ministry friends have expressed the pressure they feel over their spouse’s involvement in ministry. Even though the church is only paying one salary, they often feel like they are supposed to give a 2 for the price of 1 deal. While this isn’t a realistic expectation, I’ve discovered that when they’re really pushed for a legitimate source and specific examples, they discover it was a mythical expectation. Even though it feels like “the church people” passionately expect a 2-for-1 deal, it’s more felt than articulated. This whole “discerning expectations” thing can be confusing and create havoc in a marriage.

Here are a few thoughts in an attempt to figure it out:

1. Have intentional conversations to identify the “real” expectations.
Not casual conversations, the idea is to be a little assertive and go on a fact-finding mission to see where the expectations are coming from. Find out…
• What is really required of me/my spouse within the specific ministry in which I serve?
• What is really expected of me/my spouse from the church leadership?
• What do people in the congregation expect of me/my spouse?

The goal here is to try to discern the real from the imagined expectations. There may well be some real expectations from these sources, but just because they’re real doesn’t mean you need to honor them if they’re unrealistic and/or unhealthy. Your findings may lead to the need for more specific communication.

2. Uncover your spouses “real” expectations
Oftentimes the real expectation expressed from the “paid” spouse is simply emotional (i.e. “I just need to feel like you support me”). Have an honest talk and seek to discover what the “paid” spouse is feeling. Get to the bottom of where the pressure is coming from.

3. Articulate your findings from 1 & 2
• Write them out
• Speak them out to your spouse
• Pray them out

Cathy and I came to realize that the “real” expectations of the 2-for-1 deal were not coming from the church leadership or congregation, instead they were coming from me. They were birthed out of my own insecurity about my position at church. Since I wanted her so heavily involved, I assumed others did too and if she was more involved it would make everything better.

While people loved seeing Cathy at ministry events, her presence was never required. Most of the pressure for involvement she felt in our early years of ministry and marriage came from me… and no one else.

During different seasons with our children, Cathy’s role changed. She went from being at everything, to being at some things, to having weeks where she showed up to nothing. When I grew up and became comfortable with the reality that the church wasn’t paying for a 2-for-1, and Cathy was living out her role of mom, supportive spouse and occasional youth worker…life got a lot better at home too.

If anyone ever asked, “How come Cathy never comes to Sunday night?” I would say with confidence, “Because she’s healthy! She’s currently not involved in every area of the ministry. Right now she disciples a small group of girls at our house on Wednesday night because with all we have going on that is where she can commit. She doesn’t do everything, but what she does do, she’s amazing* at it and she loves it.” (*see yesterday’s post)

Don’t allow the mythical expectations to create unneeded stress in your marriage. You may be adding stress to your marriage that is based in perception and not reality. Do your homework and see what needs to change. The biggest change may appear from the two of you.