dad

I blinked… my “baby” is grown up–3 intentional parenting steps

January 3, 2013 by doug 6 Comments

Today my “baby” turns 18.

Yikes!

I knew it would happen… I watched age 18 arrive with my older two kids, but this one “feels” different. Possibly because she’s the youngest. Maybe because I turned 50 a few days ago and that’s messing with me. Or, maybe it’s because Cathy and I are only 8 months away from being “empty-nesters” and our baby will be going away to college.

Regardless, Cassie’s birthday has got me thinking about how much I have loved being a dad.

Last night I was at Dennys with two of my dear friends who are 10-12 years younger than me and are dads with small children. They are really good dads and very intentional about their choices with ministry and home-life (both are youth pastors). We talked a little about parenting and I gave them 3 tips (unsolicited of course).

1. Don’t blink… it goes by very fast. Regardless of what you think, your kids grow up very quickly.

therefore,

2. Capture memories! Photograph, video, and write letters… the more the better. With each birthday and holiday, use it as an opportunity to write your kids a letter. Pour on the love… even if they can’t read it or understand it. These letters will become eventual treasures. Many of the younger years are forgotten–photos, videos and letters help retain and capture the best of memories.

3. Put your family before your job (even if you’re in ministry… actually, especially if you’re in ministry). Not before Jesus, but definitely before your job. Here’s a little harsh reality: anyone can do your job! Actually, one of the guys I was with last night has the job I held for 18 years and he’s doing a better job than I ever did. And, there’s someone out there who will eventually replace him too. But, no one can replace him as a parent. No one can love his kids like he’s designed to love them.

Time… Memories… Priorities.

I would challenge any parent to become a master of those 3 biggies and, if you do, chances are good that your children will someday thank you. A few days ago on my 50th birthday I received incredible letters from my kids (ages 24, 21 & 18) as well as a time where they breathed life into me with a verbal affirmation at my birthday dinner. It was rich! As a dad, I know I didn’t do everything right… actually, I made a lot of mistakes… but, I fought for those 3 biggies (time, memories & priorities) and now I feel like Cathy and I are in a season where we’re reaping the benefits of being intentional parents.

Those 6,570 days flew by… and now my 18 year old “baby” is an amazing young woman. I’m so grateful.

Happy birthday Cassie… you’re the best!

Question: what are you doing to be an intentional parent? Share your ideas here.

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Filed Under: Family, Parenting, Personal Tagged With: dad, intentional parenting, kids, Memories, ministry, parenting, parents, priorities, time, value

10 ways a teenager benefits from being in a small group (from a dad’s perspective)

September 12, 2011 by doug 11 Comments

I’ve been an advocate for the power of small groups for the 30 years I’ve been involved in youth ministry.

I’ve written books and taught seminars on the importance of small groups within a healthy ministry. But today, I’m not writing as a ministry veteran, I’m writing as a DAD.

All three of my children (22, 19, 16 years old) have been or are currently connected in a [youth ministry] small group. The thankfulness I feel for the men and women who have invested in their lives is too difficult to articulate. My children are deeper, more committed followers of Jesus because of the investment others have made in their lives. My gratefulness for those incredible volunteers can’t be measured!

Here are ten specific rewards that teenagers receive from the ministry of small group leaders:

1. Another significant adult is caring for them and cheering them on.
2. They are encouraged to grow spiritually on their own by someone other than mom/dad.
3. They find support during turbulent times in their life.
4. A caring presence at their sporting events or key activities.
5. Someone who is excited to see them at church.
6. Someone actually notices and misses them when they’re not at church or small group.
7. A caring friend leaves them affirming voice messages: “I was just thinking of you and wanted to let you know I think you’re the greatest.”
8. They can serve as a “neutral adult” who doesn’t freak-out over bad grades.
9. They have a “safe” person to talk to.
10. The small group leader becomes a tender, yet truthful voice when they need a little correcting.

If you are a ministry leader in need of a job description to give to your volunteer small group leaders, you might want to edit/adjust/add-to this list!

Pass this list of 10 to those who have said “yes” to the shepherding of teenagers. You don’t need to tell them it came from a youth ministry author, veteran pastor, etc.

Instead, tell them you got this list from a thankful dad. A dad who adores his children and feels blessed for people like them who come alongside parents and do something a dad can’t do (even a dad with a lot of youth ministry experience).

Question: What do your small group leaders to help them be more effective? Would love to learn from your thoughts here. Also, if you need a great gift to both affirm and train them, consider this $4.99 book.

Filed Under: Ministry (general), posts, youth ministry Tagged With: 99 thoughts for small group leaders, benefits of being in a small group, dad, Josh Griffin, small groups, youth ministry

GUEST POST: Anyone can do your job…only you can be your child’s DAD

June 18, 2011 by doug 2 Comments

Brian Berry is a 17 year veteran of student ministry. He serves as Generation Ministries pastor at Journey Community Church near San Diego, CA. where he is hands on in high school and oversees an infant-20 something staff. He writes, speaks and blogs about his life and learnings at www.briancberry.com. He and his wife Shannon have 5 kids.

Last week was crazy. More crazy than normal. Stupid-crazy in fact. One of those weeks when you have way more to do than your have resources to accomplish. The kind of week where you’re going to have to stay up late, get up early, manage your time like a train station, and even then, when you’re all done, there will still be tons more to do and a slew of people who didn’t get their needs met. Yeah, that kind of week.

… and of course, the week when I have the most to do and no time to do it, is also the week when I told my son Tyler I would go to his all day water slide amusement park day with his 5th grade graduating class. It was a BIG deal to him, and he’s a big deal to me.

But despite my commitment to be there or the intrinsic value I place on my son, I won’t lie to you and tell you the choice I made was easy. Truthfully, if I hadn’t actually made the choice weeks earlier, I probably would have tried to find another way around spending 9am to 6pm at an amusement park filled with 11 year-olds. After like the 10th time of Tyler thanking me for coming, I also realized that missing this event would have been the dumbest ministry move I’d made in a long time. It would have made good “business sense,” but it would have been “nonsense” too.

Here’s our pic after we hit all 15 water slides in the park back-to-back. His smile speaks for itself. Truth is, so does mine.

As I stared at this picture for the last few days, I was reminded there’s no shortcut to parenting relationships. I can either invest in and enjoy them today or divert them and pay the price for it later. There’s no way around that fact.

So from one dad to another, I know you love your kids. I also know you probably love your job. But let’s not forget… almost everyone reading this blog can be hired to do our job. No one can be our kid’s Dad. That is exclusively my responsibility and yours.

Perhaps these questions are worth you and I thinking about again this summer:

1• What do my actions tell my kids?

2• Are my “family values” congruent with my “ministry lifestyle”?

3• How is my digital life affecting my presence in my family life?

4• If the Dads in my church treated their secular job hours like I do my ministry hours, how would I applaud them or correct them?

5• Am I giving my kids my best time or just my available time?

Question: What is your biggest struggle in the desire to balance ministry & family. Share with others HERE.