affection

10 actions that children learn from their parents’ marriage

December 5, 2012 by doug 6 Comments

[In a week where we're focusing on Marriage and promoting our "Refreshing Your Marriage" Conference, I thought I'd re-post my most popular post (which has blown-up thanks to Pinterest). Another marriage post that has recently gotten a lot of traction is, "Size Matters...25 ways to go small in marriage"]

When I speak on marriage, I’m always asked if I intentionally taught my kids about marriage.

The answer is yes… and, no.

Yes, there are times when we’ve talked specifically about marriage (either ours or ones that our kids have observed). But, for the most part, Cathy and I have been wise enough to know that our kids are constantly watching and learning from us without us having to do a lot of talking. Our actions (both good and bad) are always teaching them about marriage.

I would be thrilled if my kids had a similar type of marriage that Cathy and I share… it’s definitely not perfect, but we’re both very proud of what we’ve developed over 27+ years.

Here are 10 actions that I know my kids have observed from us over the year:

1. Affection: Cathy & I are very affectionate and I like having my kids see me holding their mom’s hand, hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc… as often as I can.

2. Saying “I’m sorry”: I want to be quick to use this phrase and I want my kids to hear me say it (and I have to say it a lot more than Cathy).

3. Affirmation: this is my primary love language so it’s easy for me to dish out encouraging words. My kids get a lot of verbal affirmation, but they also hear me directing it toward my wife (which is really easy).

4. Attraction: I think Cathy is hot… and, I make it known around our family. I’ll regularly say, “Isn’t your mom beautiful?”

5. Time: our kids know that we like to spend time together. When they see us steal time away to sit in the backyard and talk, or go in the hot tub, or go on a date night, or sneak away for the weekend…that’s a good message I want them to see.

6. Laughter: we laugh a lot in our house and my wife’s cute sense of humor cracks me up. I like having my kids see that my wife makes me laugh.

7. Respect: opening the door for Cathy, saying “thank you” and “please” and showing her simple signs of respect.

8. Faith conversations: we’re not always praying in front of our kids, but they hear and see our faith conversations and know that we’re always talking about Jesus and what it means to be a follower.

9. The value of friends: our house is well worn from the traffic of friends in/out of our house. We love having people over and the Fields’ house is a regular hangout for some incredible friends.

10. Servanthood: I know my kids have had a better example in Cathy than with me because she’s the ultimate servant. Always asking, “How can I help? What do you need to make life better?” Serving one another is seen in the daily, little things and there’s many opportunities to serve.

Kids are always watching their parent’s marriage and yet too many marriages underestimate the power of modeling! Children are taking daily recordings of what a marriage looks like and those recordings are definitely influencing and shaping their view of marriage.
Question: Do you have intentional actions that you’re modeling to your kids? Do you have some actions that are different from the ones I’ve listed? If so, share them here.

[Are you getting this daily blog in your email inbox?] If not, it’s real easy–go here.

Filed Under: Marriage, posts Tagged With: affection, affirmation, apology, conversations, couples, faith, laughter, marriage, modeling, parenting, spouse

10 actions that kids learn from their parent’s marriage

October 11, 2011 by doug 138 Comments

[This particular post has blown-up because of Pinterest. As a way of saying "thanks"... all Pinterest users can receive my new 4-part audio series "Be her hero: how not to suck as a husband" for only $3.99 (originally $29.99)... Enter the discount code "Pinterest" at CHECK-OUT. Go here for special deal. Another post you might enjoy is called, "Size Matters...25 ways to go small in marriage"]

When I speak on marriage, I’m always asked if I intentionally taught my kids about marriage.

The answer is yes… and, no.

Yes, there are times when we’ve talked specifically about marriage (either ours or ones that our kids have observed). But, for the most part, Cathy and I have been wise enough to know that our kids are constantly watching and learning from us. Our actions (both good and bad) are always teaching them about marriage.

I would be thrilled if my kids had a similar type of marriage that Cathy and I share… it’s definitely not perfect, but we’re both very proud of what we’ve developed over 26 years.

Here are 10 actions that I know my kids have observed from us over the year:

1. Affection: Cathy & I are very affectionate and I like having my kids see me holding their mom’s hand, hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc… as often as I can.

2. Saying “I’m sorry”: I want to be quick to use this phrase and I want my kids to hear me say it (and I have to say it a lot more than Cathy).

3. Affirmation: this is my primary love language so it’s easy for me to dish out encouraging words. My kids get a lot of verbal affirmation, but they also hear me directing it toward my wife (which is really easy).

4. Attraction: I think Cathy is hot… and, I make it known around our family. I’ll regularly say, “Isn’t your mom beautiful?”

5. Time: our kids know that we like to spend time together. When they see us steal time away to sit in the backyard and talk, or go in the hot tub, or go on a date night, or sneak away for the weekend…that’s a good message I want them to see.

6. Laughter: we laugh a lot in our house and my wife’s cute sense of humor cracks me up. I like having my kids see that my wife makes me laugh.

7. Respect: opening the door for Cathy, saying “thank you” and “please” and showing her simple signs of respect.

8. Faith conversations: we’re not always praying in front of our kids, but they hear and see our faith conversations and know that we’re always talking about Jesus and what it means to be a follower.

9. The value of friends: our house is well worn from the traffic of friends in/out of our house. We love having people over and the Fields’ house is a regular hangout for some incredible friends.

10. Servanthood: I know my kids have had a better example in Cathy than with me because she’s the ultimate servant. Always asking, “How can I help? What do you need to make life better?” Serving one another is seen in the daily, little things and there’s many opportunities to serve.

COMING SOON: An ebook titled, “52 lessons your children are learning from your marriage.”

If you’re interested in being notified when it is published, provide your email here.

Question: Do you have intentional actions that you’re modeling to your kids? Do you have some actions that are different from the ones I’ve listed? If so, share them.

[Are you getting this daily blog in your email inbox?] If not, it’s real easy–go here.

Filed Under: Marriage, posts Tagged With: affection, attraction, children, faith conversations, laughter, marriage, modeling, parents

Become a AAA-rated parent

August 29, 2011 by doug 5 Comments

Yesterday I was talking to a young dad at church (who used to by in my youth group) and it was fun for me to see how eager he is in wanting to be a good dad.

He asked me, “Besides praying for and with children, what else can I get in the habit of doing for my kids?”

Great question!

There are many things parents can do, but in the interest of a reconnecting hallway conversation, I passed on three intentional actions that I try to with my kids every day. They’re easy to remember, here they are:

1. AFFECTION: Everyone child needs it (actually, everyone needs it) and they want it from their parents. I’m convinced that one of reasons teenagers are so sexually promiscuous (especially girls) is because they lack physical affection for the significant male figure in their life.

My parents were great, but they weren’t overly affectionate. I choose to change the script in how I parent. Now, I pour it on: hugs, kisses, cuddling during TV, holding their hand, etc…

For a short season, during the teenage years, the affection wasn’t always returned but I knew it would when they got older (and I was right).

Every day you can find a way to be affectionate with your child.

2. AFFIRMATION: Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on one good compliment.” Unfortunately, many kids go that long without genuine affirmation.

Parents yield so much shaping power with their words. When mom introduces her little daughter Amy as shy, Amy lives up to mom’s words as she hides behind her legs. Amy has heard that description so long, it has become prophetic. Words have the ability to shape a life.

Children don’t often return the encouragement and many parents tire and weaken of speaking good words to their children because they feel like they’re not getting anything in return. It’s not about the parent…it’s about the child.

Imagine your child like an empty piggy bank and each encouragement, affirmation, positive comment, intentional and personal word of kindness is a deposit of a penny. Each negative comment (i.e. “You’re so selfish, mean, nasty, irresponsible, whatever…”) is like withdrawing a quarter.

How rich is the bank of your child?

Be wise and generous with your words and you won’t regret those life-changing words.

3. ATTENTION: Simply stated, you’re focused and engaged on what’s happening in their life.

Giving attention is more than popping by their bedroom and waving goodnight, it’s tucking them in. It’s more than asking how their day went, it’s asking and really listening to the answer and then asking more questions. It’s more than making sure they get their homework done, it’s helping them so they feel confident and empowered.

Kids need to feel the perception that they matter to their parents. Even if the parent thinks they’re doing a good job at this, it’s the child who is the judge. Perception is real and important for a child.

Give it a try this week. These actions are easier to remember than they are to put into practice, but I know you can do it.

Parenting isn’t easy. Intentional parenting is even more difficult, but the rewards your child will read thru affection, affirmation, and attention are worth the difficulty it takes to make these habitual.

Question: What do you try to do as a parent every day? Share it with others here.