3 Thoughts from a Ministry Dad

Several times over the last seven months I’ve made either Twitter, Facebook or Blog comments about my 19 year old son’s step-away-from-football-and-college to serve orphans and street children in Kitale, Kenya (post one & two).

He came home yesterday! Praise Jesus.

The photo (below) is from our first of many meals where we’re downloading his experience.

My oldest daughter returns home Monday night after being in Africa for 3 months (post college graduation). With two of my three kids gone this summer (and my youngest wishing she was in Africa) I’ve taken some time to do some reflecting on our parenting style as well as raising our kids in a ministry environment.

I’m working on a list of some of the steps that I’m glad Cathy and I made while our kids were growing up in ministry. One of these days I’ll share the list, but here’s what I was thinking about while I was waiting at the airport for Cody to arrive.

1. TIME goes by very fast
When our kids were little, this didn’t seem like a true statement. We were always tired, got little sleep, and felt like we were a high maintenance family. But, now of the verge of being an empty-nester (our youngest is a junior), I’m stunned at how fast time appears to go.

2. Ministry always requires more TIME
When you think about how quickly time goes, this 2nd statement can definitely trigger some family-tension. Since ministry never stops (because people always have needs) we’re constantly making decisions about who is going to win the time battle… the ministry or our family. With Cathy’s tenderness and help, we always tried to make sure that our family won. I realize this can be difficult if “healthy family” is not a high priority within your church setting.

3. Make sure your kids know they don’t have to work for your TIME
When my children were younger, I was haunted by something a youth pastor’s child said, “I’m excited to be in youth ministry because I’ll get to see my dad more.” When I heard that, it broke my heart and I made a commitment that my kids would never say that. At church, I made it very clear that my kids had total access to their dad. They knew that if others were waiting to talk to dad…they didn’t have to wait. Not everyone agrees with our approach, but that’s what we taught our kids.

If you’re a parent, who is serving in ministry, there is great hope for your kids! Cathy and I are convinced that growing up around incredible, fun and godly adults was an incredible blessing for our kids. I realize you’re always being forced to make ministry and time-related decisions, and my prayer is that you’ll make more right decisions than wrong decisions (you’ll make some of those too)… actually, I pray you’ll make a lot more right decisions.

The issue of TIME is definitely a battle, but it’s one worth fighting.

Here’s another post I wrote about family & ministry.

Also, at this year’s National Youth Ministry Convention (Youth Specialities), Cathy and I will be teaching an extended seminar on Ministry & Marriage and my daughter and I will be teaching one about Raising Kids in Ministry. I hope you’ll join us!

Question: What are the concerns you have about raising kids in ministry? Share them HERE.

http://everyonescalledtoyouthministry.com Darren Sutton

My greatest fear is that somehow my kids will attribute the ugly side of ministry to God. I hate it when they see politics or nastiness at church. (Thank God it hasn’t happened very often.) When they do, we make huge attempts to a) remind them that people are fallible, b) that God is NOT fallible, and c) their relationship with Him exists independently from church, pastors, or even parents.

doug

That’s good Darren…kids do see the ugly side of the church, even as much as we try to shield them from it.

David Hertweck

As a relatively new dad with two young girls these sort of reminders are so important for me.
Thanks Doug.
http://jimkane.wordpress.com Jim Kane

Thanks Doug for this post!
I am grateful to the Lord for a wife of 28 years who keeps me focused on giving the time I need, must, and want to give to two teenage boys who will both be out the door within the next five years. They have found places of service in the church and I pray that will carry over into adulthood.

I also encourage fellow colleagues to make sure that they are involved in a supporting role with some aspect of their kids’ lives such as a coach, parent volunteer, etc. It makes connections with other kids and parents.

doug

Enjoy your few years left of them in the house…it goes by quick.

Josh Yates

I gotta say that I echo the worries of the other posts. I’m concerned about them seeing the ugliness of people in the church and thinking that God will treat them the same way. I’m concerned that I spend so much energy with students (and with the other hats I wear) that my kids get my left overs at home. I’m concerned that my discouragement in ministry (at times) spills over into my daughters. I’m concerned that they’re growing up too fast!

Thanks for the continued family reminders…I need them…12 years into ministry and 6 years into parenting.

doug

the term “leftovers” should be a red flag to you Josh! But, I’m glad you used the word “concerned” several times…it’s those types of parent who make the intentional steps.

PJ

i have two daughters (3 & 1) and my biggest fear is that they’ll think I love the church more than them.
http://www.myendofthedeal.com Brian Seidel

PJ stole mine…

I have said that since before I ever pursued full time ministry, that my kids will never think I love the church more than them. I think so far my 3 boys know how much they are loved.

Also lately I have noticed more and more how many incredible people my boys get to hang around (both adults and teenagers), which blesses me and them.

The one thing about being a ministry Dad that I did not expect is how much being a Godly dad and husband IS my ministry to teenagers. Over the years many students have commented about my boys, how we parent them, and how our home is such a great example for them.

doug

to both you and PJ…make sure that fear doesn’t become a reality. You are creating their perception.

Re: example… absolutely! With 50% of the kids in our groups coming from broken families…this would make sense. Kids are desperate for and attracted to role models.

http://adammclane.com adam mclane

In a lot of ways I feel like a ministry-dad-in-training. I’m really thankful for this post for 2 reasons:

1. I’ve got young kids and its sometimes hard to see what the future might look like.
2. You are one of several voices who are helping me figure out what life as a ministry dad looks like. I love seeing it in those guys lives and reading some of the same stuff in writing here.

Looking forward to your seminar in SD.

doug

cool!
I remember going to YS conventions when my kids were younger and I’d meet a youth worker with teenage or older kids and I’d say, “Tell me it’s going to be okay.”
My experience with parenting is that it just kept getting better (okay, aside from 2 years in junior high).

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