10 actions that kids learn from their parent’s marriage

Great article, Doug.  Thanks.  We really need to be more intentional about what we’re teaching our kids in things like our everyday actions.

More “Caught Than Taught” seems to be the amazing and terrifying thought of family.  I know that my actions and home life behind the scenes will ultimately reflect on the lives of my kids. 

Just write a book please. We will all buy it and ooze it. Your writing is so great and practical, and seeing you over the years live it is even better. THANK YOU friend.

Great tips. However #2 is a pet peeve of mine. Saying you are sorry is more appropriate for when you do something by accident. (i.e., step on a toe, knock something over, bump into someone, etc) Saying “I was wrong” and asking your spouse to forgive you is WAY more powerful than just saying I’m sorry when you do or say something to hurt your relationship. It better models sound biblical principles. 

This breaks my heart. We have nothing like these in our marriage. Just makes me cry. 

I do love my kids and I’m so affectionate with them and I always use my manners with them while reminding them why it’s important to do so. 
I hope they’ll grow up and be able to make healthy choices in life especially about choosing a spouse. i can only do the part I can do. I can’t change my other half. 

I love all your tips and agree wholeheartedly!  I would also add (#11) that I like when we can model healthy fighting and making up (that goes with your #2) and also persevering through difficult things.  That might go without saying, but I think when our kids see us just “hang in there” they learn that it is not always a bed of roses but that sometimes commitment is commitment.

Thanks for a great post.  I LOVE the photo.  Your wife looks HOT

This article undermines a lot of psychological studies that would show that “modeling: isn’t really as important is people make it out to be. Good parenting is definitely important, but a child is more influenced by their peers than their parents.

(according to science, but science is evil)

A First Century Christian Fellowship

 

Major Sources for Observing Early A.A.’s
Apostolic Principles, Practices, and Resemblance to First Century Christianity
at Work

 

By Dick B.

© 2012 Anonymous. All
rights reserved

 

A Common Observation about “Old-School” Alcoholics Anonymous

 

Alcoholics Anonymous History: A.A. cofounder Dr. Bob called
the first A.A. group (known as “Akron Number One”)—founded on July 4, 1935—“a
Christian fellowship.” [DR. BOB and the
Good Oldtimers (New York, NY: Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.,
1980), 118]

 

Of the five Rockefeller people—including John D.
Rockefeller, Jr—who met the early AAs, listened to Dr. William Silkworth, and
read the report that Frank Amos had given to them in February 1938, all said
something to the effect, “Why this is First Century Christianity at work. What
can we do to help?” And they did help.

 

But long before that, Christian evangelists were telling New
Englanders and many in other parts of the world how the Apostles not only found
salvation, but taught and lived Christianity—healing drunks, addicts, and
derelicts along the way.

 

And then there was the Oxford Group and that American
sparkplug of its early period, Rev. Samuel M. Shoemaker, Jr. Bill Wilson called
Shoemaker a “cofounder” of A.A. Bill discussed the proposed Big Book and Step
contents with Shoemaker. He even asked Sam to write the 12 Steps, but Sam
humbly declined. Yet the very language of the 12 Steps paralleled Sam’s
teachings—teaching founded on basic ideas in the Bible that Dr. Bob said were
the foundations for the Steps.

 

Shoemaker and many other early Oxford Group people called
their life-changing group and groups “A First Century Christian Fellowship” and
defined what that phrase meant to them and their groups.

 

“A First Century Christian Fellowship”

 

At the times Bill W. (1934-1937) and Dr. Bob (1933 until at
least 1939) were involved with the Oxford Group, it was actively using the name
“A First Century Christian Fellowship.” And here are some of the ways people
described the personal work with others of members of that important A.A.
predecessor, the Oxford Group.

 

In his popular book, Life
Changers, Harold Begbie (who had written Twice Born Men and much more about General William Booth and the
Salvation Army) described the Group this way:

 

Above all, the Group was a
Fellowship—a first-Century Christian Fellowship controlled by the Holy Spirit.
[Dick B., The Oxford Group &
Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 31]

 

We discuss and cite precise sources for the following
statements:

 

. . . Frank Buchman’s formation of
what he and his friends called “A First Century Christian Fellowship.” Buchman
had said, “It is an attempt to get back to the beliefs and methods of the
Apostles.” He said, “We not only accept their beliefs, but also decided to
practice their methods” [Dick B., The
Oxford Group & Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 286]

 

In Life Changers, author
Begbie also wrote:

 

Since those words were written he
has paid a visit to the United States in company with F. B, . . .

 

—-

 

In his last letter written from
America he tells me that he is entering with others into “A First Century
Christian Fellowship,” explaining that they wish to get back to the type of
Christianity which was maintained by the apostles—“We not only accept their beliefs,
but are also decided to practice their methods.”

           

He announces in detail the
elemental beliefs of a First Century Christianity. He believes in:

 

The possibility of immediate and
continued fellowship with the Holy Spirit—guidance.

The proclamation of a redemptive
gospel—personal, social, and national
salvation.

The possession of fullness of life—rebirth, and an ever-increasing power and
wisdom.

The propagation of their life by
individuals to individuals—personal
religion.

 

            Out of these
beliefs proceeds the method of propagation:

 

Love
for the sinner.

Hatred
of the sin.

Fearless
dealing with sin.

The
presentation of Christ as the cure for sin.

The
sharing and giving of self, with and for others.

 

“We are more concerned,” he writes,
“with testifying to real experiences, explicable only on the hypothesis that
God’s power has brought them to pass, through Christ, than with teaching an
abstract ethical doctrine.”

 

Rev. Samuel Shoemaker spoke of the Group as “A First Century
Christian Fellowship” as follows:

 

The Spirit can communicate His
truth to a spiritual fellowship of believers in ways He cannot communicate to
individuals: it is another phase of Christ’s meaning when He said that “where
two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.
He is wherever a believer is; but He is present in heightened reality in the
fellowship. [Dick B., The Oxford Group
& Alcoholics Anonymous, 293]

 

In his first significant book, Realizing Religion, Shoemaker had the following to say about the
days “when the Church had martyrs in it.” Shoemaker wrote at page 67:

 

I believe that originally this was
the spiritual impulse, entirely apart
from considerations of ecclesiastical order or the founding of a brotherhood by
Jesus, which welded Christians together in the days when the Church had martyrs
in it. The value of united prayer and worship, of inspiring and instructing a
group bent on one object, the constant impact of the words and the

interpretation of Jesus, has often been dwelt upon. . .

 

The Acts of the Apostles

 

In Acts chapters 1 to 6, there are a number of descriptions
of what the First Century Christians did, what they had received, and how they
fellowshipped together. Here we will just quote two segments.

 

The first from Acts 2:38-43, 46-47:

 

Then Peter said unto them, Repent,
and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission
of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost.

For the promise is unto you, and to
your children, and to all that are afar off, even as many as the Lord our God
shall call.

And with many other words did he
testify and exhort, saying, Save yourselves from this untoward generation.

Then they that gladly received his
word were baptized: and the same day there were added unto them about three
thousand souls.

And they continued stedfastly in
the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in
prayers.

And fear came upon every soul: and
many wonders and signs were done by the apostles. . . .

 

And they, continuing daily with one
accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, did eat their
meat with gladness and singleness of heart.

Praising God, and having favour
with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily such as should be
saved.

 

 The second segment
from Acts 4:29-32:

 

And now, Lord, behold their
threatenings: and grant unto thy servants, that with all boldness they may
speak thy word.

By stretching forth thine hand to
heal; and that signs and wonders may be done by the name of thy holy child
Jesus.

And when they had prayed, the place
was shaken where they were assembled together; and they were all filled with
the Holy Ghost, and they spake the word of God with boldness. And the multitude
of them that believed were of one heart and of one soul. . . . And with great
power gave the apostles witness of the resurrection of the Lord Jesus: and
great grace was upon them all.

 

The Keys to Applying First Century Christianity in Recovery Programs
Today

 

Our latest title is:

 

How
to Conduct “Old School” 12-Step Recovery Meetings Using Conference-Approved
Literature: A Dick B. Guide for Christian Leaders and Workers in the Recovery
Arena.

 

In a small number of pages, this new book—very succinctly
and very specifically—covers the ground above and then shows how the successful
“Christian fellowship” practices of the First Century and of the early A.A.
group in Akron can be applied today and fully supported by Conference-approved
literature published by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. And how those
who join together in Christian fellowship can attain healing and a whole life
in the same way the Apostles did and that the old school AAs did.

 

Gloria
Deo

 

I’m 30 years old, no kids, and just two weeks ago I tried
to explain to my own parents how influential there relationship has been on my
life. My parents have defiantly had their ups and downs just like any
marriage…however, they did a lot of their fighting in front of me. Made me
feel like I had to pick sides on who was right. And always involving me with
their adult issues. I was 11 years old. I didn’t need to know what was going on
in my parents’ marriage. But my mother always made it a point to tell me what
he was up to. When I tried to tell them they set the mold for what I look for
in a relationship, they immediately got on the defense. “Well I guess we
were just awful parents then hu?” My mother got up in my face and told me
that I was disrespecting her in her own house. That the choices she made were
for her and what she had to do for her kids. And I do respect that…I just
wish they would have sheltered me from the “adult” topics that they
liked to discuss with me. My mother then told me that she wasn’t my role model.
That if I didn’t like what I saw growing up then that was my call to make a
change and want better for myself. But If that was all I saw growing up…how
am I to know what else is out there? I am by no means blaming my parents for my
down falls on the relationship status in my life. I have a failed marriage of
only 6months and I now find myself in a relationship that has way too many
issues to even begin to talk about. When my mother got up in my face…I
instantly saw myself in her and how I’ve been handling my own problems lately.
It’s NOT the person that I want to be. I don’t want that much hate and negative
thoughts in my heart. But how do you change when that’s all you been exposed
to. My mom always told me that I didn’t need a man in my life that I could take
care of everything. So anytime things got tough in my relationships I just gave
up. I don’t need him; I can take care of things myself. But I don’t want to be
like that. I want to fight for what I have but I want to do it with love,
compassion and understanding.

ummmm what?

As a teacher, I need to request that you put “READING” somewhere on there! Let your kids see you reading the paper, books, etc. Make sure that their reading time is equal or greater than their “passive” screen time! (and as a secular humanist, I would change #8 to “discuss ethics, morality, and law.” Nice post! A great reminder for parents!

So, kids will learn from you that a wife should be beautiful, servant, make the man laugh and that people are supposed to talk about their imaginary friends a lot. I guess it is better than drunken fights and physical abuse. Not sure how much better but hey, you can’t ask more from Christians.

Most people aren’t going to agree – but it is super important that your kids actually see conflict at times in your marriage. They need to see that you don’t agree, that there may be fighting and that people can be angry. And then, they need to see that it doesn’t mean that two people still don’t love each other, that they can’t come to a compromise or agreement or a simple truce if things are not solved but at an impasse. So many people believe that fighting is a negative thing a side that people really shouldn’t do, or that kids shouldn’t see. Then you end up with adults who don’t know how to disagree with their spouses or work through things. They fear that a fight (or 2 or 3) means you are fighting too much and you should give up – divorce is the way to go.

I had to very passionate, stubborn parents – who fought a lot. They fought, and would make up. Sometimes fights lasted for days. And sometimes there might have been a very unhappy year or so (though as a kid I wasn’t really aware of that) And then, I saw the beautiful aftermath – the hugging and cuddling and the affection between my parents that seemed to bring them closer after a fight, and the fact that they were still together, happy. What they taught me as a child is endurance and persistence. They taught me that no two people are going to agree 100% of the time. That you fight, and make-up, and fight and make-up They taught me that God doesn’t allow you to just jump out of your marriage just because you fight, or have unhappy or bad times. The endurance of their (at times) difficult marriage at 32 years has taught me that two people can make it through ANYTHING if God is the #1 factor in their marriage and they are devoted to keeping HIM first and doing what HE asks of them – which is to commit to their vows, that for better or worse (even if there is a lot of fighting) you stick to it and through it.