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Better Together: “I was fired today.”

September 28, 2011 By 32 Comments


The readers of this blog have proven over and over that collectively “we” have much better advice than “me” (Doug)…so, every once in a while I beg you to chime in and help a brother/sister out.

Here’s a difficult email that I received from a youth worker (below)… and I know this brother is not alone in his pain.

Doug,

To be brief, since i have youth group in an hour, I was “given the freedom to pursue other employment” from the church that I have served since sept 2005…

I have until Dec 31, 2011 to find out “where God would have you go”…

Can you give me suggestions for leaving well?

Thanks for all you do! Excited to hear the new podcasts-they have been helpful.

blessings,
Seth

Okay friends…chime in. Let’s help this brother out. Allow the Holy Spirit in you to breathe life/help/hope into a fellow youth worker.

You did it with Jason here and he was blown away (here).

Thanks for pausing in a busy day to care so deeply for someone you don’t know. You can comment here.

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  • Mike

    Hey Seth,

    I am right there with you. I am in my last 2 weeks at my church and have been asked to resign. My family and I were very happy here, ministry was beginning to see fruit, but stuff got in the way.

    Having said that and speaking as a man with 5 kids and no job opportunities yet, I would say to walk in grace. I am dealing with many things here that are not right and are not being handled well. I’m tempted to say what I think, to “fix” things, etc. but I need to choose grace. My hope is to wrap up all of my loose ends, hand off the baton as well as I am able and then trust God on my journey.

    Seth, God knows what is going on – He sees your heart and holds your tears. Trust Him, press in to Him, love Him and know that the journey is ongoing. Speak highly about your church and your pastor, show love and grace to the church members and remain positive above all else. The enemy would LOVE to use this to bring division and discouragement and despair, but God uses all things for hope and future, for His plans and purpose.

    Excited to hear about where you land!!
    Mike

  • Pshaun

    After making a couple transitions I think the most important time is to prepare the ministry for the impending change.  Make sure the volunteers can run the ministry, began to work your way out of a job! 

    Personally allow God to heal you of any hurt that may go along with this transition BEFORE entering a new place of ministry.  This could be the most exciting time in your life.  I am praying for you, your current ministry, and your future ministry.

  • http://thewisdomilack.blogspot.com Ray Hausler

    Be fully present.  The students you are leading will gain so much from you over the next few months as you remain intentionally present in their lives.  It will be difficult.  But you can do it because of the God you serve.

  • James

    Dude!  Been there about two years ago.  My pastor called me in and said similar things.  It hurt tremendously, and my wife and I still have to deal with anger and forgiveness.  It was a very personal punch in the gut.  We trusted God to provide and that he would allow us to do ministry somewhere else. 

    Holy smokes!  If I knew where I’d be in ministry today, I would have walked into my pastor’s office that day two years ago and said, “Peace!  I’m outta here.”  God has placed us in a tremendous place of ministry, but further than that, God has placed me under a pastor who is the best leader and developer of staff that I have ever met or heard of.  I feel valued, appreciated, equipped, and I’ve been given the opportunity to develop in which ever way the Lord leads.  Never in my 11 years of ministry have I experienced this.

    I say all that understanding that it’s not the norm, but it should be!  However, God had a greater plan than I could ever imagine, and He’s got one for you too.  Hang in there, cling to your calling, and praise the Lord for the things He intends to accomplish in your life for His namesake.  Life only sucks in the valleys, but the Lord’s loving-kindness lasts forever.

    in Christ alone

  • Nic W Ferguson

    First things first, I am sorry, very sorry.  I have been in your shoes and I know how tough it can be. 

    Suggestions; First, start praying against bitterness, anger, resentment NOW!  If you decide to continue to lead the youth ministry while you seek other employment, the number one thing that you will need to do is to stay positive about the very church that just let you go.  This of course is very difficult to do, but is a necessity for the health of your students.  Do you want them to feel resentment about “Church”?  Do you want them to have one more hurdle to have to leap over to continue their faith journey after high school?  I know these are rhetorical questions, but please be sure to encourage them that the ministry you have been doing has not been about you but about God and that your leaving doesn’t change that.  

    Secondly, take some time to process this.  You do not want to be fake in front of students and you do not want them to find out that you have been faking it in front of them.  Tonight may need to be a movie night.  Determine a strategy that works best for you and your family.  Determine things like, how long are we going to stay at this church?  It is currently your choice whether to stay or not, if you decide to leave before December 31st, will the church still pay you through the Dec 31st as a severance package?  You may determine that their decision puts you in a place where you can not lead from a healthy place.   Also, if you are going to stay, decide when and how you want to tell the students and their families.  

    Leaving well means finding the delicate balance between putting your student’s needs above your own, making sure you are not damaging the bride of Christ(the Church), and allowing yourself time to time to hurt, grieve, and ultimately begin the healing process.  It has been over a year and a half since I was let go for “not being a good fit” after 3 years and I am still in need of healing.  

    Praying for you brother in Christ, 

  • Nathan S.

    That is a difficult thing to hear. I will take a moment to pray for you right after I am done with this post. It’s hard to be put on a timeline especially when God is involved. It’s like telling the Holy Spirit to work with our schedule. It’s difficult. Prayers that God will reveal something to you. Keep your eyes peeled and heart in the right place. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1299020023 Eric Bauer

    I do not work in ministry but I’ve been “let go” twice with little/no warning.  It stinks in the moment but in both cases I wound up in a better place within a few months.  So, here is some practical advice that I learned along the way.

    First:  cut expenses to the bone right away.  Preserve as much of your money as you can in case there is a prolonged gap in employment.

    Second:  December 31 is a ton of time to get something spooled up.  Network like mad.  God has a place for all of us and while it hurts to let go, the adventure a new gig brings is something to embrace and look forward to.

    Third:  Don’t ever get down on yourself.  Stay connected to close friends and seek support from those that have our best interests in mind. Your employer has chosen to let you go but your worth isn’t measured by what they’ve provided you.  Your worth is measured by God.  Getting down is the easy thing.  Staying positive is the hard thing.  Try your best to do the hard thing every day in transition.

    Lastly:  leave classy.  I had one employer that dropped me quickly contract back for another week because I left on classy terms.  Transition your work, train the staff, tie up the loose ends, and move on down the road.  How you leave may say more about you than the work you did when you were there.

  • Beth

    Man that sucks!  Find someone outside of your church you can vent all your frustrations to!  Cry, get angry, whatever your emotions are at the moment let them come.  Make sure you don’t bash the leadership to anyone in the church, especially the youth.  They have to trust the leadership to move forward without you.  Try to meet with your pastor or other leadership to find out why this is happening and take notes. Right now it’s too fresh but after you leave it’s good to process what you could change in the future; own your part and let go of the rest.   Make sure leadership is in place in the youth program so the kids don’t suffer too much.  

    Spend time with God. Listen as well as talk.  See if there’s any direction from your listening.

    As has been suggested network!  Tell everyone you know you’re looking for a job. Get your resume updated and ready to start sending out.  Start checking out websites for jobs.  

    • Scott

      Totally agree with you, Beth.  As others have said you can’t burden the youth with how you feel about the leadership, but you also need to find someone to help you find healing.  The heartache will pursue you if you don’t find healing.

  • Josh Huffman

    1. Believe the best, not only about them, but also about your future.
    2. Don’t smear the people in charge. Believe me, this isn’t easy for anyone involved.
    3. Before you start looking elsewhere, confirm that this is what you’re called to do. Sometimes we serve in our local church, and it develops into a paid opportunity, but we really don’t have the same passion for a different church. Not saying thats the case here, but if it is, you’re better off allowing God to patch you up and continue volunteering at the church you’re currently serving.
    4. If God gives the green light, then begin exploring opportunities with of course, your family’s full cooperation and blessing.
    5. Get over it as soon as possible. Bitterness kills. It sucks. This doesn’t mean you aren’t gifted to lead, it doesn’t mean you aren’t called to lead. Assuming you haven’t done anything drastic (burn the podium for a bonfire…etc) that would merit being let go immediately, they simply want a change of direction and sometimes that’s not possible without changing the leader.
    6. Learn from this. Take some time to learn where the leadership would like to see improvement in the ministry and then begin making those changes in yourself. Lose any negative pride and ask God to help you grow. He will and you will.
    7. Spend even more time in Gods Word and in prayer. I also suggest a little extra supply of Rocky Road Ice Cream. Ice Cream is optional…  :)

    Praying for you. This ain’t easy. 

  • J Sorber

    Celebrate what God has done.  Be enthusiastic about what God is going to do.  Take advantage of this opportunity to have some key conversations with students and leaders that you can encourage and challenge.  Take care of your family.

  • Derrick

    Been there man. Luckily, I was volunteering. Still, it was hard to be positive. First of all, pray. Spend this time getting closer to God and listening for His voice. Second, Forgive. Don’t let this discourage you from doing youth ministry. I stopped for almost 6 years before I finally dealt with it and came back to youth ministry. Third, look forward to the future. Cling to Proverbs 3:5-6, Romans 8:37-39, and 2 Chron. 7:14. Will be praying brother. Keep us posted.

  • Darren

    Leave on a good note.  Don’t burn bridges.  Look around for another ministry job.  If you cannot find one by Nov., I suggest finding a non-ministry job somewhere to make ends meet.  Work out any anger, hurt, or frustration. Pray.  Let the kids see you leave the right way.  Thank the church for allowing you to serve faithfully since ’05.  Thank them for being a loving church to you.  Learn from this and move forward.  Keep your mouth closed unless talking to God, or a third party (non-church member).  If you discuss you feelings with someone outside of church, to vent, make sure you vent a little, and then work on letting those feelings go, otherwise you will be limited in your new ministry role. (if God leads you into another church ministry.)

  • http://brandonweldy.wordpress.com Brandon Weldy

    I recently left the youth ministry I was leading. I was not let go but I moved from the part-time position I was in to a full-time one. It was a difficult decision but it went very well. Probably the most important piece of advice I got during this time was to decide to not talk bad about the church. Even if things get worse during your time of transition you must choose to not talk down the leadership or the congregation. They may be in the wrong, but instead of turning your focus to destroying their reputation or undermining them, you must make the decision to pray for them and to only talk well of them in public (I say in public meaning except for maybe your wife or a close friend who is removed from the situation so that you can get some frustration out). 
    Also encourage the youth to keep meeting together, that you are not leaving because of them and that you are leaving but you are not dying (meaning they can still get a hold of you if needed). 
    This may be exactly what needs to happen for you to move to the place that God has for you next. It hurts but God is still in control and has a plan for you!

  • Dusty

    Seth,

    First, without knowing the full story its impossible to give specific advice, however I will offer these general pieces.

    Own whats yours: If you havent been given specific reasons for your termination, you have to have that conversation NOW. If you have been given reasons, you have to examine those reasons with an open mind. Are the short-comings that are percieved by your leadership legit? If so address those short-comings. Maybe you need to take some time off, or seek outside assistance, get more education, or find a different area of service. If the perception of you is not accurate, you must find out what caused the perception. Why does the leadership feel that you are not suited for this ministry? This is very difficult because it requires you to be completely honest with yourself.

    Don’t Burden the Kids: Without lying to your students, sheild them from the details of your departure. Church politics can be nasty, dont subject the students to any more of it than absolutely necessary. Remember that your primary goal is to be a gatherer (bringing people to Chrst) dont go out as ascatterer (driving people away for the church).

    Set up for success: Begin now to pump up the “new guy” whoever that may be. Let students know that even though you are leaving God has a plan for the future and that the next guy will be awesome!

    Look on the bright side:  Even though this isnt fun now, try to embrace that God has a new ministry waiting for you. Chase after that hope rather than dwelling in the slums of the regret of how your current ministry is ending.

    Thats my 2 cents.

  • Chris W.

    Hang in there friend. I was told the same thing unofficially by my pastor last week and expect to hear it officially tomorrow. Your not alone. Fight off the bitterness, it will lead you down a road you don’t want to go…trust me. God is in control even when things aren’t making much sense. Love your family, focus on relationships during your remaining time and leave with your head held high. That’s my plan. Who knows, maybe by January we’ll both be writing in to talk about how much we love our new jobs. 

  • Daniel

    I have been let go from a church I served for 11 years. It is very hard but here are my thoughts.

    1. The church belongs to God not the men who fired you. You will be tempted to blow it up. You have to remember the church belongs to God and I must honor and respect his church.

    2. Fill your heart with positive thoughts. Listen to sermons on forgiveness, hope, listen to motivational people like Zig Ziglar. Overwhelm your heart with positive messages.

    3. Attend to your family and their needs.

    4. Ask God to help you see new doors that will open and not to make unwise choices as your are hurting.

    5. Read stories of faith in the Bible. I read about Noah, Abraham, Moses, Joshua, David, Elijah,  Daniel, etc. and reflected on what they must have experienced. They didn’t know how their lives would turn out and all of them went through trying times but trusted in God.

  • http://www.facebook.com/erin.haligowski Erin Haligowski

    I did a series on my blog this past spring about Leaving Well as I was going through a period of transition. You can check it out here: http://erinhaligowski.wordpress.com/category/youth-ministry/page/2/ 

  • Sean

    So far all good thoughts!  Start looking now for a job…I just dealt with this a year ago and it took 6 months to find a job.  Lots of people are looking so network like crazy. 

    Also, if you do not have a CD of you teaching make sure you record 1 or 2 during this time. 

    Praying for your transition on all levels.  if you need someone to talk to who has just gone through this my email is sw8552@gmail.com

  • Katherine

    Know that God has a WAAAAY better plan for your life.
    Think about where you could be a blessing for others at a new job.
    Know you are gifted for something wonderful!!!! The God that loves you will NOT let you go.
    BUT mostly…like others have said…talk to good freinds. The ones you know will pray for you.
    Post how you feel on Facebook so that people understand what is going on in your life at that moment.
    AND don’t spend money. If people ask you out, they need to understand how things are.
    This is a good time to let others love you, its okay to be loved by others. Sometimes that is where God wants us.
    God’s grace is all you need.
    Remember to have fun. :=)

  • Gretchen

    Pray. Pray. Pray. Rest. Pray some more.

    Previous posters have given some great advice, so the only thing I have to reiterate is pray. Draw near to God and “rely not on your understanding”. I have found that to be really helpful in difficult times because often times, I don’t understand “why”, but I know that God has a plan for my life. Even when what I am mired in is not necessarily part of His plan, He is always with me and my hope is in Him. It may be hard to see now, but God will breathe life in to this situation.

    You are in my prayers.

    Peace and Blessings to you.

  • Todd Szymczak

    Hey Seth-  Just got back from a 3-day trip supporting my father in-law who was just asked to resign his position as senior pastor of his church.  As I watched my FIL over the past few days handle the situation, I have some thoughts to pass on to you:

    -Be calm, humble, gracious and patient in all conversations.  People are watching how you handle things.

    -Respectfully clarify any misinformation that is shared about the reasons why you were asked to leave. 

    -Avoid trying to gain supporters to fight your cause.  Help them understand you are a servant, and  the leadership feels it’s time you go. 

    - Love the students you are leaving, and make your final words and time with them count. 

    Sorry to hear you are going through this. Leaving is never easy.  Do your part to leave well, and with your integrity intact. 

    I will say a prayer for you today.

  • Caustin05

    Seth, So sorry to hear about what has happened to you. God has a plan for you and is going to continue to do some amazing things with your life. There is a church that is down the road from me called Tulip Street Christian Church in Mitchell Indiana they are hiring. I don’t know if that will help you out much. But my heart and prayers go out to you. 

  • Janelle

    Seth,
    Your not alone. One of the greatest things I’ve ever heard was “The gathering of God’s people is important to God.” Many times I have reminded myself of this fact whether I was walking into work (different industry) meeting friends or just being with family. It helps to reset me so to speak to remind myself we are all God’s people regardless how I feel about anyone. Don’t isolate, journal honestly and allow others to love and carry you during this time. God Bless. 

  • Adam Jacobus

    Dear Seth;

    I am a month into a new ministry position after hearing those same words the week before Easter.  I don’t really know how “well” I left – there is still a lot of hard feelings with people that supported me in the church with leadership there, but I don’t know that I created that issue.  Things were difficult in the interim as I finished out in the end of July because communication and expectation broke down with leadership.

    Here were a couple of things that would have made our situation better.

    1) a clear expectation of what leadership wanted me to communicate to people – team, students, parents, people in the church.

    2) You mentioned Dec. 31.  Is that when your severance package ends, or is that work responsibility, and severance after that?  That would be good for you to have in writing for the sake of your family – security being a big deal.

    3)  Find people outside of your community that love and care for you to vent with.  People that know you well, and will pray with you.

    4)  Ask those folks to help you look / network for a future job.

    5) Get your resume up to date.

    6)  Remember that this is simply a part of the good work that Christ started in you – Philippians 1:6 – When God gets you to the next chapter, remember to look back and give thanks for bringing you through this chaos, and trust Him more for the next time the storm comes.

    Live To Tell,
    Adam J

  • jill

    Great advice has already been given. I would just reiterate that you leave with class, humility and integrity. Having had to clean up messes from the previous youth ministers, I was flabergasted at the garbage that was left behind. Personal letters, old Sports Illustrated mags…yuk!

    It will probably be difficult to give to a place that has asked you to leave, but try to finish well for God’s sake.

    I’m sorry that you are going through this. Praying for you.

  • Jmalcore

    This seems to happen more often than anyone would like to know… it’s an unfortunate side affect to having people in charge of church’s.

    I was told it was time for me to move on, “due to God’s calling for my life”  or so said the pastor.  anyways, my wife was 8 months pregnant when this happened and we were told by the pastor that as long as we didn’t say we were leaving because he had asked us to, our insurance and salary would stay in tact until the baby was born.  so what did i do? Kept my mouth shut. (minus a few trust worthy people.)

    I did not go back into ministry, Im now a Cop (go figure), due to my wife and I not wanting to experience that sort of pain again… we are now considering going back into full time ministry if that is God’s desire and we find a good fit for our family.

    several things I wish I would have done differently,

    1. Not blame God, (he will work things out to his good and teach you many things thru this experience – he has taught me things I would never have learned if I had not gone through this.)

    2. Invest in my family and their needs (I shut up and didn’t communicate to my wife about the job for a few months – not helpful for either of us.)

    3. Forgive those that hurt me.  (this takes time but is a huge burden lifted off you when you can do this.  I confronted the pastor and forgave him.  He didn’t see what he did wrong… oh well, God will deal with that in his time.)

    4. Find some trusted friends to talk with, cry with, laugh with, and get angry with!

    There are a million things more I’ve done but these are some of the majors…

    I am so sorry you are going through this, I truly feel your pain.

    God Bless!
    Jed

    • JedM

      Oh yeah, remember that you are leaving the Church and possibly the people but they are still going there and being ministered to, don’t burn things down and stint their growth.  The machine may have hurt you (and it has) but it is still working in other’s lives. 

    • Scott Uhlinger

      Hi Jed,

      I’m in a similar position .
      . . I was crushed by a church and lied to by my district super. He said that if
      i left now (9 years ago) he’d get me 3 months of compensation . . .I left and
      when the church gave me no salary and only one month of benefits the super
      said, “oh sorry . . .I cant control stuff” and “well, you really
      don’t get severance when you resign” . . .ouch.

      9 years later i feel God
      strongly pulling me back to full time ministry. What are your thoughts? My wife
      is very gun-shy. .

  • Anonymous

    Your main ministry is always to The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

    Love and speak well of everyone. The power of life and death is in the tongue. Your life is hid in Christ and you have died to yourself. Wait for him to resurrect you!

    Peace

    Tim

  • a chaplain’s wife

    My husband was let go a year ago.  We didn’t see it coming, and we were crushed.  We are no longer “hemmoraging”, but 12 months later, it is still not hard to pick the scab off.  We also wanted to leave well.  Our kids are in high school, and they initially wanted to stay at the church. 

    In the first few days, as we talked through all of the many complications, we settled on 3 things that we knew were absolutely true.  This is the mantra I still run through my head every day:

    1.  We want our lives to glorify God.
    2.  We want to strengthen the church/Church.
    3.  We know that everything we do is teaching people something–especially our kids; things we could never lecture into their heads.

    There are people in your church who don’t know know how to manage chaos and crisis without creating more chaos and crisis.  This is a teaching moment for everyone.

    Other than the sudden death of my dad, this is the most painful experience I’ve ever had.  Eventually, we left the church when they were ready to start interviewing for a new hire (about 4 months).  Give yourself the time and space to heal and grow.

    My husband is working now in a ministry that he LOVES and would not have pursued under different circumstances–however, our income has been significantly reduced, and we are struggling to figure out how we are going to make this work. 

    Blessings to you and your family.  God redeems broken things, and he will redeem and restore you.

  • Isaacwoodard

    Been there, done that! It hurt!

    Though it may be past this point now, I’d ask if they called you in faith that God wanted yu there, why won’t they keep you there by that same faith. It’s a thought provoking question that can at least make them think abouttheir treatment for the next guy.

    I’d also write down things that may have contributed to this disconnect and give them to a trusted deacon or elder. “not enough interaction with deacons” or “not enough specific goals or job description” can help the church you are leaving…again, paving the rocky road for the next guy.

    Love your students, don’t stop…but let them leave room in their hearts for the next guy…they need this.

    The storm may be bad but it’ll blow over eventually. It is important to leave in a way that will allow you to someday return and be welcomed by your old church. If there are direct and untrue attacks on your character, address them, speak to the source of them whenever possible, and affirm your love for the church. Good character is one of the best weapons to combat hateful speech.

    As others have mentioned, prepare your finances for a shoestring budget…it hurts but there’s usually no way around it. :(

    Stay positive and use this forced sabbatical to reassess your strengths and weaknesses. When I went through my similar experience, I found I had built up a load of problems that I’d ignored for years…it hurts, but it makes us better!

    Good luck and God bless!

    Isaac