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The Need for Daddy
November 29, 2012 by 4 Comments
GUEST POST by Jonathan McKee has become a regular guest blogger on this site! He is the author of numerous books including the brand new Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent, as well as youth ministry books like Connect: Real Relationships in a World of Isolation. You can find his excellent blog here.
“Show me a girl that dresses like that, and I’ll show you a girl whose father was absent.”
That’s what my friend said. I didn’t believe him when he said it. Sure, he was a 20-year youth ministry veteran, but I thought the statement was dogmatic and shallow. How can he make such a generalization!
I was only a couple years into youth ministry at the time and I hadn’t spent but a few years with teenagers. Years passed, and as my wife and I ministered to a growing number of teenage girls who dressed especially risqué and craved sexual attention, we began to notice a common denominator: the absent dad.
Perhaps my friend was right.
This goes beyond my personal observation. More research is surfacing, even in the last few months, pointing to the vital need for “Daddy’s” presence in his kids’ lives. Presence extends further than just being there physically. Our kids need dads who are actually available for conversation.
The journal Pediatrics released an article on October 15, 2012 titled Paternal Influences on Teen Sexual Behaviors, available for download as a PDF . This review concluded the simple fact, “fathers influence the sexual behavior of their adolescent children.” The review investigated 13 different studies about the effect that fathers had on the sexual behavior of their kids. The studies suggest communication between fathers and kids is especially influential. Or, in their educated words:
“Paternal attachment was associated with decreased older adolescent sexual behavior, whereas maternal attachment was unrelated, and paternal disapproval of adolescent behavior delayed adolescent sexual debut slightly beyond the effect of maternal disapproval. Specifically, adolescents with increasing paternal or maternal disapproval, independently, were less likely to ever have sex.”
In short, it’s important for parents to have ongoing conversations with their kids about sex… especially dads.
Interestingly enough, these studies all emphasized “conversations,” not rules. The review suggests kids are actually more likely to have sex earlier if they have either extremely strict or extremely lenient parents. Either extreme is bad (not the first time you’ve heard me talk about the overprotective and over-permissive parents’ guidelines). A balanced approach of providing information in frequent conversations is what made the big difference.
In my 20 years of youth ministry and talking with parents after my parenting workshops, I have witnessed the impact a dad can have. Dads make a huge difference when they choose to actually be present in their kids’ lives. The question dads need to ask is, “Do I want to work those extra hours for that Christmas bonus… or do I want to give them a gift that will actually make a lasting difference in their lives: my presence?”
The gift of presence helps your kids in numerous ways. A new study published in the August issue of Child Development proposed that a parents’ time spent with their kids may even raise a teenager’s self esteem and social confidence, especially if it’s time spend with Dad. US News summarizes the study.
Something about the father’s role in the family seemed to boost self-esteem among the teenagers in the study. What most differentiated some families from others was how much the dad was typically around and whether he devoted some of that time to be with his children.
Dads… are you listening?
Question: What do you think? Why do you think these studies are discovering the role of a dad to be so important?Do you think Jonathan’s friend was right about a “promiscuous” girl’s relationship with her dad? Share your thoughts here.
[Are you getting Doug's daily blog in your email inbox?] If not, it’s real easy–go here.
The Homecoming Dance Playlist
September 19, 2012 by 21 Comments
GUEST POST by Jonathan McKee has become a regular guest blogger on this site! He is the author of numerous books including the brand new Candid Confessions of an Imperfect Parent, as well as youth ministry books like Connect: Real Relationships in a World of Isolation. You can find his excellent blog here.
I just had lunch with someone whose father works for Homeland Security. This man knew of threats to our country we are probably glad we never knew about. He’s not allowed to talk about the threats, not even to family… but sometimes he would use indirect communication. This person told me stories of early morning phone calls to their house on the East Coast from their dad in D.C. where he would simply say, “Today would be a good day for you to grab the family and go for a drive… to Kentucky!”
As a guy who studies youth culture for a living… sometimes I discover things that most people are probably glad they don’t know.
I just saw the song playlist for the Homecoming dance at my daughter’s high school this coming weekend, a dance I’ve given both of my daughters permission to go to (which has always been an interesting decision to make as a parent). Some of the students posted the playlist on their Facebook page and my youngest, Ashley, showed it to me. I had her snap a few screen shots and send it to me. As I look over this list this morning, reading through the titles of songs I’ve studied and written articles about… I’m troubled with what I know about this music.
My daughter said, “Please don’t call the principal.” (Ha… I’ve only done that once in her lifetime.)
I talked with my oldest daughter, Alyssa, about it this morning. I asked her, “Why don’t you think I should call the principal?”
“Because it’s not going to do any good,” she said matter-of-factly. “They know it’s bad, but they don’t want to know. They just tell the DJ to play the clean versions and they think that they’ve done the responsible thing.” (More from this conversation in my blog.)
I just wonder what would happen if the principal really knew what was going to be played in the speakers on Saturday night?
Here’s just a glimpse:
HOMECOMING DANCE PLAYLIST:
I’ll start with the 3rd song on the playlist:
Ayy Ladies- Travis Porter
If you got some good p**sy say (YEAAAAH?)
If you got some good head on ya shouldeeeeers
If you got some good p**sy say (YEAAAAH?)
If you never let a hoe f**k you oveeeer
If you ’bout yo’ check, drank Moet
Know the p**sy stay wet, I need all dat
Tattoos on the back, I see all dat
You already got a man, I ain’t tryna be all dat
I’m just tryna hit it by the end of the night
Lil’ mama so bad and her booty so tight
When I hit it from the back, don’t fuss, don’t fight
When I put it in ya mouth, don’t scratch, don’t bite…
If you’re wondering how they’ll play a song like this, let me introduce you to the “clean versions” of these songs. The clean version of the above song plays the same thing, but with the italicized words “silenced.”
Isn’t that comforting?
Don’t worry. All songs aren’t that blatant. Most are like this one from Usher…
Scream- Usher
Kill the lights, shut ‘em off
You’re electric
Devil eyes telling me “Come and get it”
I’ll have you like
Ooh baby baby ooh baby baby
Ah-ooh baby baby ooh baby baby
Girl tonight you’re the prey
I’m the hunter
Take you here, take you there
Take you under
Imagine me whispering in your ear
Then I wanna take off all your clothes and put something on ya…
If you wanna scream, yeah
Let me know and I’ll take you there
Get you going like
Ah-ooh baby baby ooh baby baby
Ah-ooh baby baby ooh baby
If you want it done right
Hope you’re ready to go all night…
Then there are songs that make you just scratch your head. Before every chorus, here’s the words…
Get Ourra Your Mind- Lil Jon
I don’t give a f**k, I don’t give a f**k, F**K IT!
I don’t give a f**k, I don’t give a f**k, F**K IT!
I don’t give a f**k, I don’t give a f**k, F**K IT!
I don’t give a f**k, F**K IT!
Kinda curious what the clean version will sound like.
Remember, this “poet” is what our society calls an “artist.” We’ve come a long way from Wordsworth, Shakespeare and Keats, don’t ya think?
And We Danced- Macklemore
I am not, I am not going to stand on the wall
I will dance, I will dance, I will break that ass off
And I see you in the corner, corner looking so small
Doing the robot like if I die tonight at least I went hard
I will not, I will not give a damn who watches me
I will live, I will live liberate the fox in me
I will be the discoball, freak and give my all
To whatever girl’s booty I’m freaking on
I’m not skeeting nah, it’s just freaking hot
Alright I skeeted…
And “skeet” is to ejaculate, for those who are curious.
The dances I’ve chaperones always say, “No alcohol or drinking.” Then they play a song like this one:
Bottoms Up- Trey Songz
Bottoms up bottoms up (up), Ay whats in ya cup
Got a couple bottles, But a couple aint enough
Bottoms up bottoms up (up), Throw ya hands up
Tell security we bout to tear this club up…
We (adults) are so stupid. Maybe that’s why the adults in charge of this upcoming dance allowed this song to be on the playlist…
Get Low- Lil Jon
…a song I actually wrote about in my parenting book . because I saw the “clean version” of this song played at a school dance, and the kids were all shouting the explicit version on the dance floor. I’ll let you peak at these painfully explicit lyrics here.
Here’s the lyrics to just a handful of some of the others songs on this weekend’s playlist:
Snapbacks & Tattoos- Driicky Graham
Carry Out – Timbaland & Justin Timberlake
Sigh. Do parents even want to know this?
Hmmmmm… to dial the school… or not to dial???
Question: Do you think Jonathan should call the principal? Would you let your kids go to this dance? Do you think parents should respond to this type of thing? Why? Why not? Share your thoughts here.
[Are you getting Doug's daily blog in your email inbox?] If not, it’s real easy–go here.
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