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2 issues hiding behind your anger

February 29, 2012 By 7 Comments


Today I had lunch with a buddy who admitted that his anger is impacting his marriage.

He was looking for a Band-Aid idea that would slow him down and help with his anger (kind of like the good-ol “count to 10” technique).

No easy answers, but there is an easy question to ask.

The default question most people ask is “What?” What triggered my anger? That’s NOT a good question.

It’s too easy! It’s too general! It’s not that helpful.

What triggered my anger? Music, a dirty room, traffic, rudeness, not flushing the toilet, deleted a recorded TV show…etc…who cares?

Instead of asking “What?” I would encourage you to ask “Why?”

The why question forces you to peel back a layer from the surface and look inside your heart.

Instead of asking what triggered me [that’s too easy]… ask, why did that trigger me?

When you ask what… you’ll continue to blame the triggers… and that won’t help you stop the pain.

When you ask WHY?

Chances are you’ll discover one of two primary emotions hiding beneath the surface. You might imagine these two emotions hiding in the corner of your soul… one in the fetal position and one in the attack position.

All curled up in the fetal position will be FEAR.

Every time I try to learn from my anger… that’s who I meet. I encounter fearful Doug. Fearful Doug who expressed his anger because he was …

  • afraid he wouldn’t be a good dad or husband
  • afraid of failure and rejection
  • afraid that he can’t control others to compliance
  • I could go on…

The second emotion is hiding right next to fear is likely “hurt.” Like a wounded animal, hurt is very dangerous because all it knows how to do is attack.

Hurt people… hurt people.

If I hurt you with my anger… I don’t have to focus on the hurt I feel, or re-open the hurtful wounds I’ve never dealt with.

If we don’t learn where anger is coming from, it keeps coming back out, over and over. Maybe that’s why we’re told to “search our hearts”.

In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Psalm 4:4

Search your heart. Ask the right question. Learn from your emotions. Change your behavior. Improve your relationships.

Easy? No. Doable? Yes.

Question: Is there a better question to ask than “Why?” Share your thoughts.


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Filed Under: Personal, posts, Relationships Tagged With: , , , , ,
  • Mike

    just what I needed to hear after my morning. thank you Doug.

  • Tina

    After one answers the Why  Then What and How?
    I had a student blow up to a janitor, I have been trying to help him for two semesters now.
    We know the why, but i need a what and how now.  Thanks

  • Joe Jardine

    Anger is a survival emotiond and most importantly it is a secondary emotion. Meaning there is a first emotion that creates the byproduct that is anger. That first emotion could be hurt, embarrassment, shame, guilt, grees, jealousy, etc. It is best and less intrusive to reflect or discuss the first emotion that has caused the anger. Nothing can be fix or communicated when some one feels angry, as well as when some talks about their anger. They only get defensive and it leads to projection or blame on others.

  • Danette

    soooo good. thanks.

  • Kris

    Anger is just the cover; anger is like my five year old’s batman costume. It says, “I am in control. I can solve not only my problems, but your problems too. I know, and you don’t. I am big and you are little.” However, anger is a lousy cover, unlike a batman cape (they are pretty cool, especially if you are five and you can look behind you to see your blue cape rippling in the wind because of your lightening speed). Instead of giving us what we really want, acceptance, safety and closeness, anger separates us from others, leaving a rippling wake of devastation behind us.

    It is difficult to say to someone we love, “Are you there for me? I feel scared, and I want and need you.” We might feel like, “I can never be enough.” We wonder, “Will you still be with me if you know this part of me?” That is scary. We are sure people that supposedly love us will affirm what we already know, “Yes, you are not good enough.” Or, if we come to them with our vulnerability will they say, “I Love You, and I want to be in this with you?”

    We want our partner to be accessible, responsive and engaged. We want to know they care about us when we ask, “Are you here with me when I am so scared, hurt, sad?” We want to know they will absolutely say, “Yes, I am here with you, I care about you, and I am not going anywhere. We are in this together.” We default to past protection mode, and push away the person that wants to, and can, give us the connection we want and need. Instead of defaulting to anger, what if you ask yourself, “What is underneath my anger? Do I feel afraid? Hurt? Sad? If so, about what?” Then, what if you bring that fear, sadness or hurt to your partner in a spirit of vulnerability, knowing and expecting they will care about you and be there with and for you? What do you think will happen then? Might be worth a try.

  • Paul Hughes

    This leaves out the possibility of righteous anger.  If fear and hurt are the two main “why”s then nothing is left for any kind of good anger.  Since scripture says there is such a thing, there must be other possible “why” reasons.

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